The way you feel so strongly for someone can be intense and hard to describe, especially when the feelings are new or consuming. But before deciding whether what you’re feeling is something deep or just temporary attraction, it’s important to understand what those emotions might truly represent.
Many people find it difficult to separate strong emotional pull from genuine care, especially when they’re just beginning a romantic connection. Though love and lust can sometimes happen at the same time, they are two very different things and shouldn’t be mistaken for each other.
Expressing love to someone can completely transform your relationship, which is why understanding your emotions is such a big deal. There are moments when it’s confusing to figure out if it’s true affection or just physical desire driving you. While both feelings can feel powerful, knowing which one you’re experiencing will help you make better decisions about your relationship.
Let’s now look into the characteristics of love and lust to help you better understand what sets them apart.
What Love and Lust Represent
Understanding the meaning of each term is helpful before making any conclusion. According to dictionary definitions, love refers to a deep affection often tied to kindness, shared interests, and emotional closeness. It’s described as a warm connection that includes passion and commitment.
On the other hand, lust is described as a very strong or uncontrolled urge for sexual activity or a powerful physical desire for someone. It usually focuses on craving and intense longing rather than emotional closeness.
You might be unsure where you stand with someone currently—or even in a past relationship. This is especially true if you’ve never felt deep love before. When the relationship includes a mix of feelings, things can feel unclear.
It’s common for people who are younger or less experienced to misidentify their attraction. Lena Derhally, a therapist trained in Imago Relationship Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Sex Therapy, explains that early experiences can feel overwhelming and be confused with love. However, these feelings might be rooted in physical interest rather than emotional closeness or compatibility.
How Lust Shows Up in Relationships
- Your thoughts are constantly filled with this person. You spend a lot of time daydreaming about them, imagining different situations, and replaying your last encounter.
- You want to be close to them all the time. Though you’re not invading their privacy, you look for every opportunity to be around them. Derhally explains that this kind of interest can feel all-consuming.
- You ignore their flaws completely. You tend to idealise them and overlook any behaviours that might be concerning. You place them on a pedestal even when you barely know who they really are.
- You’re attracted without truly knowing them. You don’t know their goals or what they’ve accomplished, but that doesn’t stop you from having strong desire for them. This is a big reason why rushing into marriage or serious commitment can be risky, Derhally points out. Reality may look very different when your excitement fades.
- You feel an intense physical pull. The attraction is very powerful. You want them strongly, and even seeing them can trigger an extreme physical response.
- Your thinking becomes unclear. Even if you’re enjoying the connection, there’s often confusion about whether the relationship has real depth or it’s just passion leading you.
- You treat it like a competition. It’s less about knowing the person and more about the thrill of pursuit. But what happens once you’ve “won”? Constantly going after people and then moving on is not fair and can hurt others deeply.
- You’re hiding your true self. Sometimes you don’t feel completely comfortable being open. You hold back parts of yourself or act a certain way just to maintain their interest.
- The focus is entirely on what you want. You don’t want to adjust or sacrifice. You might even care more about your satisfaction than their feelings. If control issues or emotional attachment problems are involved, this is where they usually show.
How Love Appears in a Relationship
- You think about them fondly, but without obsession. You may smile when you remember them, but they don’t completely take over your thoughts. Their presence brings happiness, not distraction.
- You enjoy being around them but still have your life. You maintain your daily activities, friendships, and routine while looking forward to spending time with them.
- You’re aware of their imperfections and accept them. Their flaws don’t scare you away. You embrace the little odd things about them and find joy in those differences.
- You truly know who they are. You understand their story, what makes them happy, and what causes them pain. You see the full version of them and still choose to stay close.
- The desire is there, but it’s one of many reasons you care. Yes, you find them physically attractive. But the bond also includes mutual respect, shared goals, and meaningful communication.
- You’re thinking clearly. Even with occasional disagreements, you feel secure. You don’t feel confused, and the relationship brings a calm stability.
- You want to build something lasting. It’s not about games or temporary fun. You’re serious about growing with them and creating something that’s good for both of you.
- You feel accepted just the way you are. They know your personal stories and have seen your vulnerable moments, yet they still care deeply. You’re comfortable enough to be your full self.
- You think about their happiness too. Love includes selflessness. You’re willing to support their choices, even if it means making small sacrifices like sharing your favourite meal. You make decisions with their well-being in mind.
Where Lust and Love Differ Most
Derhally points out that lust happens when someone becomes interested in the version of a person they’ve created in their imagination, without truly knowing them. Love, on the other hand, grows from spending time with someone and developing a connection based on reality and shared experiences.
Another point Bowers highlights is that when you’re in love, you’re not overly concerned about how you come across. You are just focused on being genuine and present with the person.
According to Derhally, long-term relationships involve various stages. The early phase often brings strong attraction and passion. This so-called honeymoon stage doesn’t last forever, though. For many, the strong physical craving usually reduces between six months and two years.
When it’s just lust, your focus stays fixed on the physical aspect. That can be exciting at first, but it doesn’t always grow into anything deeper. Derhally warns that some people, especially men, keep looking for someone who’ll maintain that early spark for a long time.
This approach can be harmful. They might miss out on meaningful relationships because they believe that strong passion should last forever. Once the thrill disappears, they may wrongly assume the relationship has failed.
Before deciding what your feelings mean, think carefully. Love and lust are both powerful emotions, but they lead to very different outcomes. Bowers suggests that if you’re unsure, take your time. What begins as lust might grow into love but only if both people are honest and committed to discovering each other genuinely. Just make sure you’re not misleading anyone while you figure it out.
